Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
