I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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