i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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