I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
