woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
