I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
