Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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