I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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