just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
