Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
