i jhust puked up my retainher.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize