So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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