your parents love me but you hate me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
