My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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