I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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