dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
