i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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