You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize