"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I did not marry a roomba.
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