I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
