i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
