his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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