if you like me you must not know who I am
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
