capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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