i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
