apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
