She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
