Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
