I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize