i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
