My sheets look like a crime scene.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i think i have two assholes
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
