maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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