Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
