just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
