Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
