Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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