there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
