so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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