i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Randomize
