hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
