So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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