thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
