Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
