the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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