i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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