I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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