I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i out mim tonsoeep
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