Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
