I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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