My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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