i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
