So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
