Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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