So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
