Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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