Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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