I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
