What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
