i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
