whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
