I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
