I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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