like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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