We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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